the art of self deception

like i said previously,
its going to be a messy year..

i rarely ever get ill
usually i fall sick when
i'm mentally strained and even then,
its not serious
but well anything can happen in life

someone asked if i was in pain,
so i told him that i am
he then asked why i was smiling
i asked him, 'i'm not suppose to be smiling ?'
he told me that i should express what im currently feeling
and react accordingly to the situation instead of
hiding behind a mask
i then told him
'its how i deal with things, a sorta defence mechanism'
he replied,
'that must be torturous, no one will know how you really feel..'
to that i smiled somemore

a friend told me that
'i keep to myself alot
and i build up a lot of walls
so no one really knows what i'm like
if you don't bother me i won't touch you
for me to treat someone nice means
letting my guard down,
removing those walls of protection
and being just myself'
put simply, he means its potential suicide

so i told him
'if something is broken it should remain broken'
while broken things may not be as good as new things,
at least they can't be broken again..

then i realise that somethings, your heart
can be further broken, however impossible sounding it sounds

but then again what is a heart ?
does it actually have feelings ?

i keep telling myself
'its all a state of mind'
but sometimes i don't understand why am i lying to myself,
while other times i feel its absolutely necessary
i sort of grew up on the phrase
' you can either choose to see the world as a funny and happy place
and laugh at it or you can see it as a tragedy and whine and cry about it '

also, i realise if you lie to yourself long enough,
people around you will notice it
and they'll think that its the truth
and nobody but you knows..
i can tell myself and a hundred people
a thousand and one times that i'm fine
but deep down i know im the only one suffering
i'm losing myself..

this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me